There is nothing really for me here.
The above statement is how I wake up feeling each day. I don’t actually truly want for anything in life. I don’t have the same burning desire for success fuelling my creativity and productivity as I did five years ago. I honestly couldn’t tell you what has changed.
In some ways that perhaps may be the issue. That not enough has changed. I have not discernibly changed much throughout my adolescence. My friends tell me, I’ve calmed down, but other than that they know I haven’t changed much. Do I need to change? Conventional wisdom suggests so, as my current lifestyle has hardly led to success and riches has it?
Saying that, it’s my life. And I have finally realised what has crushed my energy, passion and drive. Care. Caring about how I was perceived by others. The need to fit in with a conventional lifestyle in order to please others. I was doing fine. I had a steady job, a girlfriend, could afford to go on holiday and my parents were proud of me.
FUCK ALL OF THAT SHIT. None of that shit made me happy or feel fulfilled. I was disillusioned working in an industry that was archaic and not designed for much of those within it. I worked mainly with people who had their heads either up their own arses or firmly stuck in the sand. And the fact that I cared too much led to me losing my job.
After that happened, everything else slowly dropped away. The money, the girlfriend, the familial pride. I found myself back in the same slump I was in at 19 after dropping out of university for the first time (but not the last!). I had nothing but my balls and my word. Well those and my creativity.
I realised that I had entered the Matrix. Something I had promised myself I would never do. I had compromised myself to become a fully-functioning member of society. Not everyone is born to be a worker bee. Some of us were born to fly free from the hive and go wherever the wind takes us. I needed to rid myself of that mindset. I needed to stop caring about what the world thinks when it sees me, and only care about what I think when I see myself.
I have been a, social outcast as long as I have lived, existing beneath a cloud of melancholy. Loneliness has never truly been a burden, but rather a companion. The moment it began to burden me, I knew something within myself had changed, and not for the better. As human beings we are supposed to grow and mature as we age, but often we can regress. I had regressed. To a state that I had not known since childhood. I put up walls around myself as a child and then allowed emotion and a relationship to break them down. I had allowed myself to become emotionally vulnerable, and for a man seeking success in this world, that is a no-go unless your name is Aubrey Graham, and then you can get rich off rapping about your emotional vulnerability.
Each of us is starring in our own movie. That’s what life is. You may not necessarily start off as the director and producer of your life, and God knows who the hell that scriptwriter is, but you are the star. And as the star, you are capable of improvisation. And thus I realised I needed to take back control. All my care did for me was sap my energy. Energy I put towards a job that didn’t value my worth. Energy put towards people who didn’t value my worth.
What is my worth? Well really, that’s only for me to decide. Your life is only worth as much as you want it to be. I myself, will become a new terror born in death, a new superstition entering the unassailable fortress of forever. I am legend.
“My only purpose for living is to proving to myself I was born for a reason.” – Mason Riley-Kidney