I’m back…

I’m back…

Creativity is the bane of my existence. Writing does not come easy to me when life is proceeding relatively smoothly. I can write rap lyrics, but barring that, I have a complete block when it comes to poetry or any sort of prose. This has made the act of writing a novel somewhat of an impossible dream. Oh well.

What, oh what, could have caused me to return, I hear you ask. Well there is no sole defining factor as life is rarely that linear.

It’s a culmination of things. That and a solemn realisation.

Outwardly my life is fine at this point. Its been a year since I escaped from the lowest point I have ever reached and in that year I have progressed and thrived. Not enough though. That’s part of the problem. These lofty standards I hold for myself that I inherited from my parents. I mean to judge myself to a lower standard of success would be selling myself short right? Meh.

Inwardly, this past year has been an immense struggle. A process of healing and growth. A year of intense self scrutiny and development. I felt as though I was living wrong and sought to rectify this. I’m still not quite living right, but things have improved somewhat.

There is only one area in which nothing has truly changed…. The ongoing tug of war over my sanity and mental health. On one side you have love, honesty and empathy, and on the other you have anxiety, depression and a vindictive streak a mile long.

Do you know what it’s like to be both vindictive and empathetic? To intentionally harm someone through words or action, but then see their hurt and pain and feel it to the point that you take it on and it becomes your hurt and pain. That’s insane. It makes no sense, yet that is a regular occurrence for me. If you upset me or sense I am in a bad mood, stay away. Anyone can get it, just for asking if I’m okay. (I’m quite obviously not okay, otherwise you would have never had to ask me).

My mood can take hours to recalibrate, and it’s best to leave me to silently brood. I’ll usually isolate myself so don’t worry, I won’t sit there screwfacing like a petulant child.

All of this led me to the realisation that, ultimately this is my lot in life. I most likely will never have children nor a lasting relationship with a woman due to this behavioural trait. No, I’m not being dramatic. Practically every relationship I’ve had, has had a familiar ending. Now I’ve realised why. There’s only so much of this someone can take. As a man who is childless, i don’t wish to bring a child in this world without having a somewhat stable relationship with their mother. Knowing me, that may not last very long as my asshole tendencies would eventually push her away. In doing so, she may not wish to have me around the child, and that would cause my mind to truly flip and crash off the edge. Knowing all of this, you see why i believe having a child would be irresponsible. It’s fucked because I want a child with the fervour of a mid 40s lady whose biological clock is ticking down (was that sexist?).

Why? Legacy. I want to be a better father than my father. Not just say I could be if I was a parent. I want to tangibly prove it. I want to show the world black men can raise children, and do it in an exemplary fashion. But more so than anything, I want someone to love, who loves me. Someone who won’t give up on me, because I’ll never give up on them.

Ah fuck it. It’s all fantasy bollocks like Arsenal going a season unbeaten again under Wenger. It’s an extreme unlikelihood. One day I may be Il Padrinno. But in all likelihood, I’ll just be the Godfather and the “Cool Uncle” for life. And I’m cool with that. Life is pointless without reproducing, you may as well never even existed. And for a guy who has slipped out of more than his fair share of parties without even a glance back, this would be a fitting way to end my story. Was he ever even really alive? Or is he just a creation of someones imagination? 100 years from now, they’ll never truly know.

“I’m a fucking walking paradox, no I’m not” – Tyler, The Creator

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I am Mason

I am Mason

Hello. I don’t particularly have anything to say to introduce this, it’s just a stream of consciousness flow. Words are the key to the prison in which my mind is trapped.

 

Who could understand the pain that permeates my brain
Darkness is ingrained thus they say I’m insane
My lifestyle has people calling me a savage
Pretty women giving up on me like I’m average
I act like I don’t care but it burns
Flames turned my heart to ashes which I keep inside an urn
I don’t write for attention or sympathy
I write to release, as my weakness sickens me
Self belief is what’s shown on the exterior
Self doubt resides deep in my interior
Given up on love and meaningful relationships
Left my dreams behind no more trying to make it big
Violent thoughts are crowding my cranium
Each one I rationalise, but there’s no explaining them
I’m just a typical male wrapped in black skin
I rhyme words, got a big dick and smoke fat spliffs
Not to mention most of my pals pack things
And deal illicit contraband to fiends on that mad strip
Am I a product of my history or environment?
It doesn’t matter which, both are much too violent
So I strive to find self motivation
As I spill my thoughts onto this page in contemplation
The dark path I walk on needs illumination
FUCK YOU if you’ve ever doubted or given up on Mason

“The question isn’t who am I, it’s where am I?” – Ghostface (Scream)

“I am simply not there” – Patrick Bateman (American Psycho)

“The stars are hidden on a rainy night” – Nagato (Naruto Shipuuden)

The life of the Black hero has never been for the meek of heart….

The life of the Black hero has never been for the meek of heart….

This was originally written on January 30th  2011…

“My heart is pure gold, but it is encased in an icy layer of stone. Everyday I feel a little more lonely, as my heart gets a little colder. The path ahead of me is a long, solitary road. I know where I am going, but I don’t know if this road is taking me there. I don’t want to walk this road alone, but I have no choice but to. Loneliness and my fate are intertwined.

I have no interest in the cares of this world. Material pleasures hold no weight for me. I found no answers in religion. I go to university and do my work merely as a formality now. I have no passion for my course. I have no job, and have acheived nothing of great significance in since 2009. My existence would seem to be pointless to an outside eye.

I was placed upon this planet to do things an ordinary human being would not be capable of. I am here to say things homo sapiens cannot comprehend. I am an individual unlike any you’ll ever encounter. Please don’t underestimate me. I am more powerful than you will ever imagine….

Those who do not understand true pain can never understand true peace.” – Nagato”

It’s funny looking back at yourself, especially when you realise that nothing has truly changed. Some of the minutia has altered with the passing of time, but nothing is different. Fuck it. Nothing really matters anyway. Not when you are merely a speck of cosmic dust in the grand scheme of the universe. I’ve been bored of my existence for much too long…

“I’m depressed like I want to die, but there’s much more to life so I’m happy that death ain’t found me…” – Dot Rotten

Sympathy for the Devil

Sympathy for the Devil

“Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of wealth and taste!”

The Devil, Satan, Lucifer, Shaytan or whatever you call him/it is universally known to be a bad guy. The kind of guy who pretend to be your best friend but then destroys your entire life. But you’ve got to wonder, has this guy just been given a bad rap all along? Is all the evil in the world really his fault? Does he really dedicate his every moment to destroying the souls of humankind? Or is he just the scapegoat of a cruel and vengeful God? Well, that’s the subject I’m going to be getting into here today.

DISCLAIMER: The following is merely a speculative piece in which I am, as the saying goes, playing Devil’s advocate. It does not necessarily represent my thoughts and feelings on the matter.

As the story goes, humankind lived in paradise alongside God until the Devil came along and tempted them to break God’s one rule and eat the forbidden fruit. Next thing you know, they were kicked to the curb and forced to live lives filled with pain and suffering. Whether or not this is your religious doctrine or just a fun story to you, you’ve got to admit that this God character is a rather harsh dude. One infraction and you’ll get kicked out of paradise forever! Something that results in a convoluted plan involving impregnating a human woman in order to have a child who dies in order for God to be able to forgive everyone and let them back into paradise upon death! But that’s a different issue for a different time.

So surely we’ve got to blame the Devil for getting humanity kicked out of paradise right? Well, no. I mean if God is all powerful, why would he even let this guy come and tempt the fragile humans? I mean where was God when this temptation was taking place? The dude is omniscient after all! How did he not just turn up, stomp that snake to the ground and tell Eve not to eat that apple? applebadtime

Fast forward from Adam and Eve and let’s take a quick look at my homeboy Job. See Job was a cool dude. He was truly the best kind of person. So one day God is bragging about how awesome Job is, so the Devil decides to bet God that he can get Job to turn against him. God, being the Supreme dick that he is, takes the wager. Thus, Job’s life is fucked. He loses his fortune, his wife, his kids and gets afflicted with a real fucked up disease. Yeah I know he rides it all out, keeps faith and is rewarded with double what he had before, but that shit didn’t need to happen! Just because God’s ego needed stroking. And this establishes that the Devil had to ask God for permission to fuck with Job! So technically, if the Devil has to ask permission each time he fucks with someone, that means that this all-powerful, all-loving God let you get fucked with!

So is the Devil really the villain here? Or his he just God’s excuse for shit that is really his own doing. After all, he created the Devil, he lets him tempt humankind, and let’s not forget this is the same God that lets children die of poverty, and various other bullshit diseases. I’m not bashing God here, I’m just being real. I mean if sin is a result of liaising with the Devil, then why doesn’t God get all Sodom and Gomorrah on that motherfucker? Or does he just like seeing his creations get fucked with? Makes no sense to me.

So in conclusion, I feel that the Devil gets somewhat of a harsh deal, I mean it’s his job to fuck with humanity.  How would you like it if you were doing your job to the best of your ability and all people did was give you shit for it? You’d feel rather pissed off right? You’d feel pretty under-appreciated. After all, without evil there cannot be good, so I guess it must be good to be evil sometimes!

Well that’s just my two cents (or two pennies) on the matter.  If you wish for more content written in prose, rather than poetry please feel free to let me know. I love all of you guys!!

“Better to reign in Hell, than to serve in Heaven.” – John Milton

Poetry on Sunday vol. V

Poetry on Sunday vol. V

It’s a little bit late for my UK family, but it’s still Sunday in the States amiright? All joking and kidding aside, here is the poem, Darkness.

Darkness and moonlight
I love it when the moon’s bright
Walking on life’s path
Illuminated by the moon’s light

Casting a long shadow, that’s my only company
Love and the light, both of them seem to run from me
The darkness stalks me, as if it was hunting me
I’m tired of running, I just want to live comfortably

Energy and passion, moments justify existence
Falling into depravity I offer no resistance
To alleviate my heart’s pain I need assistance
But it’s my race to run and I have to go the distance

Darkness and moonlight
I love it when the moon’s bright
Walking on life’s path
Illuminated by the moon’s light

Poetry on Sunday vol. IV

Poetry on Sunday vol. IV

Loneliness tortures the brain inside my cranium
Inside insanity I stay rooted like geraniums
I couldn’t kill myself, for that I’m too pretty
I’d rather kill the world and stay alone feeling shitty
They say they know me, but to my siblings I’m a stranger
A foriegn entity, filled with mystery and danger
Violently volatile, handle me with care
I’m exceedingly explosive, reduce my own mum to tears
It’s disgusting, I’m a dumb prick doing dumb shit
Every time a chance came along you know I fucked it
I could blame the world but I just blame myself
Doctor please examine my brain and explain my health
Because I need to change all that bothers me
I can’t let a lack of motivation be stopping me
I need to fix my life and this time properly
I can’t die like an average, living one step from poverty…

Poetry on Sunday vol. III

Poetry on Sunday vol. III

I decided to write a poem in a style I was taught in primary school here. The only problem would be that if I formatted the poem correctly it wouldn’t flow. Oh well. Such is life. Enjoy 🙂

Reality warped individual with a crazed mind
Edifying infants then head home and blaze mine
Dark side of the force is where I reside
Can’t keep reacting based on how I feel inside
Lowering my standards won’t help me on my path
Opposition can’t stop me, they’ll all feel my wrath
Underestimating Mason they think he’s not a deity
Destruction is their destiny unless they make way for me
Greatness is the only reason I exist
Anomaly born to reconfigure the Matrix
Watching in silence, waiting for my moment
Deaf to the hate, because the loud’s what I’m smoking…

“Time for the arrival of the Gawd of the Red Clouds”