I’m back…

I’m back…

Creativity is the bane of my existence. Writing does not come easy to me when life is proceeding relatively smoothly. I can write rap lyrics, but barring that, I have a complete block when it comes to poetry or any sort of prose. This has made the act of writing a novel somewhat of an impossible dream. Oh well.

What, oh what, could have caused me to return, I hear you ask. Well there is no sole defining factor as life is rarely that linear.

It’s a culmination of things. That and a solemn realisation.

Outwardly my life is fine at this point. Its been a year since I escaped from the lowest point I have ever reached and in that year I have progressed and thrived. Not enough though. That’s part of the problem. These lofty standards I hold for myself that I inherited from my parents. I mean to judge myself to a lower standard of success would be selling myself short right? Meh.

Inwardly, this past year has been an immense struggle. A process of healing and growth. A year of intense self scrutiny and development. I felt as though I was living wrong and sought to rectify this. I’m still not quite living right, but things have improved somewhat.

There is only one area in which nothing has truly changed…. The ongoing tug of war over my sanity and mental health. On one side you have love, honesty and empathy, and on the other you have anxiety, depression and a vindictive streak a mile long.

Do you know what it’s like to be both vindictive and empathetic? To intentionally harm someone through words or action, but then see their hurt and pain and feel it to the point that you take it on and it becomes your hurt and pain. That’s insane. It makes no sense, yet that is a regular occurrence for me. If you upset me or sense I am in a bad mood, stay away. Anyone can get it, just for asking if I’m okay. (I’m quite obviously not okay, otherwise you would have never had to ask me).

My mood can take hours to recalibrate, and it’s best to leave me to silently brood. I’ll usually isolate myself so don’t worry, I won’t sit there screwfacing like a petulant child.

All of this led me to the realisation that, ultimately this is my lot in life. I most likely will never have children nor a lasting relationship with a woman due to this behavioural trait. No, I’m not being dramatic. Practically every relationship I’ve had, has had a familiar ending. Now I’ve realised why. There’s only so much of this someone can take. As a man who is childless, i don’t wish to bring a child in this world without having a somewhat stable relationship with their mother. Knowing me, that may not last very long as my asshole tendencies would eventually push her away. In doing so, she may not wish to have me around the child, and that would cause my mind to truly flip and crash off the edge. Knowing all of this, you see why i believe having a child would be irresponsible. It’s fucked because I want a child with the fervour of a mid 40s lady whose biological clock is ticking down (was that sexist?).

Why? Legacy. I want to be a better father than my father. Not just say I could be if I was a parent. I want to tangibly prove it. I want to show the world black men can raise children, and do it in an exemplary fashion. But more so than anything, I want someone to love, who loves me. Someone who won’t give up on me, because I’ll never give up on them.

Ah fuck it. It’s all fantasy bollocks like Arsenal going a season unbeaten again under Wenger. It’s an extreme unlikelihood. One day I may be Il Padrinno. But in all likelihood, I’ll just be the Godfather and the “Cool Uncle” for life. And I’m cool with that. Life is pointless without reproducing, you may as well never even existed. And for a guy who has slipped out of more than his fair share of parties without even a glance back, this would be a fitting way to end my story. Was he ever even really alive? Or is he just a creation of someones imagination? 100 years from now, they’ll never truly know.

“I’m a fucking walking paradox, no I’m not” – Tyler, The Creator

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I am Mason

I am Mason

Hello. I don’t particularly have anything to say to introduce this, it’s just a stream of consciousness flow. Words are the key to the prison in which my mind is trapped.

 

Who could understand the pain that permeates my brain
Darkness is ingrained thus they say I’m insane
My lifestyle has people calling me a savage
Pretty women giving up on me like I’m average
I act like I don’t care but it burns
Flames turned my heart to ashes which I keep inside an urn
I don’t write for attention or sympathy
I write to release, as my weakness sickens me
Self belief is what’s shown on the exterior
Self doubt resides deep in my interior
Given up on love and meaningful relationships
Left my dreams behind no more trying to make it big
Violent thoughts are crowding my cranium
Each one I rationalise, but there’s no explaining them
I’m just a typical male wrapped in black skin
I rhyme words, got a big dick and smoke fat spliffs
Not to mention most of my pals pack things
And deal illicit contraband to fiends on that mad strip
Am I a product of my history or environment?
It doesn’t matter which, both are much too violent
So I strive to find self motivation
As I spill my thoughts onto this page in contemplation
The dark path I walk on needs illumination
FUCK YOU if you’ve ever doubted or given up on Mason

“The question isn’t who am I, it’s where am I?” – Ghostface (Scream)

“I am simply not there” – Patrick Bateman (American Psycho)

“The stars are hidden on a rainy night” – Nagato (Naruto Shipuuden)

The life of the Black hero has never been for the meek of heart….

The life of the Black hero has never been for the meek of heart….

This was originally written on January 30th  2011…

“My heart is pure gold, but it is encased in an icy layer of stone. Everyday I feel a little more lonely, as my heart gets a little colder. The path ahead of me is a long, solitary road. I know where I am going, but I don’t know if this road is taking me there. I don’t want to walk this road alone, but I have no choice but to. Loneliness and my fate are intertwined.

I have no interest in the cares of this world. Material pleasures hold no weight for me. I found no answers in religion. I go to university and do my work merely as a formality now. I have no passion for my course. I have no job, and have acheived nothing of great significance in since 2009. My existence would seem to be pointless to an outside eye.

I was placed upon this planet to do things an ordinary human being would not be capable of. I am here to say things homo sapiens cannot comprehend. I am an individual unlike any you’ll ever encounter. Please don’t underestimate me. I am more powerful than you will ever imagine….

Those who do not understand true pain can never understand true peace.” – Nagato”

It’s funny looking back at yourself, especially when you realise that nothing has truly changed. Some of the minutia has altered with the passing of time, but nothing is different. Fuck it. Nothing really matters anyway. Not when you are merely a speck of cosmic dust in the grand scheme of the universe. I’ve been bored of my existence for much too long…

“I’m depressed like I want to die, but there’s much more to life so I’m happy that death ain’t found me…” – Dot Rotten

It’s been a while…

It’s been a while…

It occurs to me that I have not written anything in a while. Please forgive me if you appreciate my work, as I have not meant to disappear, it has just been a consequence of life. Well, regaining a life. You know like when you get a 1-up in Super Mario? That’s what has happened to me recently. I have a new lease on life and thus have entered a new wave of positive energy. Also I’ve had all kinds of distractions in my life these past Sundays. Mothering Sunday, my birthday weekend, and yesterday which was the hottest day of the year thus far so I couldn’t spend it attached to my laptop. In short, I’m sorry for my absence. Can’t promise it won’t happen again, but I’ll try…

Here’s a quick poem for your reading pleasure…

Dreaming of the days when I’m living lavish
No more girls giving up on me like I’m average
Til then I’ll live life like a savage
If she gives me her heart I have no issue with her baggage
I look back at my past it’s wild
Fully grown man still living like a child
Think to my future and I smiled
I got too much sauce and the flavour isn’t mild
Success isn’t the goal it’s consequential
Throwing out my life that which is detrimental
The things I shall achieve will be monumental
My words are epic, on the page or instrumental

Meh, I know it’s weak, don’t moan at me. I’ve been expending much of my creative energy in writing a screenplay and a children’s book. Something had to give…

“It’s been a long time I shouldn’t have left you, without a strong rhyme to step to” – Rakim

Poetry on Sunday vol. VII

Poetry on Sunday vol. VII

After narrowly avoiding being the victim of a vomiting baby, I emerge to give you your weekly literary crack! This week I haven’t written a single poem, but rather three haiku that could all read as one single poem. I hope you enjoy 🙂

When she smiles I smile
Thoughts of her make my heart sing
Forever my love

Mind body and soul
Most beauty I’ve encountered
Has me besotted

Our minds are in sync
Our hearts beating together
She is my soulmate

Thank for reading this week’s instalment, and please keep your eyes peeled as I will not only have more content for you in the forthcoming week, but I will also release some more of my musical catalogue via my Soundcloud. You can find the link for that right here http://www.soundcloud.com/epicmasercg

“Oh why must I feel this way? Hey! Must be the money!” – Nelly

Pain is Love

Pain is Love

Here is my latest poetic offering. I borrowed the title from that of rapper Ja Rule’s best album before his career was decimated by 50 Cent. 😂 I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed watching Leicester City beat Sevilla this evening. I know, all I do is watch football and write poetry. Stop with the judging and just read the poem!

Love is pain
Physical and emotional
Shared love equals shared pain
You can feel it in your core
Her struggles break my heart
Frustation fills my brain
Lost in futility
Wishing I could help
All I can do is show my love
And hope that it helps
Expression is difficult
But yet I still try
I miss her every second
She makes life worth living
Nothing else matters
But the love shared by our spirits
She owns my mind, body and soul
Physical and emotional
Shared pain equals shared love
Pain is love

“There’s no love without pain” – Irving Stone

Poetry on Sunday vol. VI

Poetry on Sunday vol. VI

I can’t lie, I’m probably more interested in watching Real Madrid than I am in writing this. Not because I dislike writing, but because this game is lit! 🔥

Here is my latest effort for your visual pleasure, I call it “Keep faith”…

Forget what you heard about me
I’m different
Passionate and aggressive
Quiet and introspective
Loyalty is the only trait I seek
Indifferent attitude is all I portray
No longer seek love I’ve given up
Nobody on the planet could understand my brain
But looking at her is like looking in a mirror
Her existence gives me renewed faith
I forgot what this felt like
To laugh and smile without a care
Her beauty is intoxicating
Her smile is hypnotic
Her mind is a treasure trove
Her thoughts are invaluable
Her love completes me
I finally feel whole
Her energy fills my void
I’m besotted with her soul

Thank you for your continued support. I wouldn’t do this if it wasn’t for you. Yes you, you reading this right now. Thank you, for all that you do in supporting me. I love you.

“If I had to live my life again, I’d find you sooner” – Kobi Yamada